An Exercise in Catharsis Following the Berena Split

Looking back now it’s all so obvious. I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole and couldn’t figure out why I felt so different, so ‘wrong’.  Why didn’t I see it earlier?  It’s so simple really, it’s because when I looked around I couldn’t see myself.  I grew up in a rural, small town environment before the birth of the internet when there was zero representation of myself on TV.  I didn’t recognise the true version of myself because it didn’t exist in the world around me.  Or rather, it did but it wasn’t visible to me. 

Even after moving to the ‘big smoke’ I had a very slow awakening and looking back I can easily parallel my gradual dawning of realisation with the very gradual increase in w/w representation in TV/media.  However, even though that representation clearly piqued my interest, it hasn’t always been positive - doomed, clandestine affairs; infidelity; deaths; passionate but brief affairs before living a straight life (tropes I believe they are called).  I believe that this has a role to play, among other things, in the fact that I, metaphorically speaking, still only have one foot out of the closet.   It is for this reason that this story and other w/w story lines are so SO important. 

Unfortunately we have not yet reached the stage where w/w stories with such chemistry and (initial) quality are so abundant that ending them will merely mean just a little disappointment on the part of the fans before they move on to be entertained by the next TV w/w relationship. Because the reality is still that there isn’t always a next.  When programme makers take on such storylines they need to be aware that they are taking on an audience that has been deprived, that has felt isolated and, as such, will see the story as their story. Everything they hope for themselves will be pinned on it and they will be familiar with every detail of it.  In the context of a w/w media representation desert it will always mean more than light entertainment to its fans.  

Prior to Berena I had already begun to allow the thoughts that I might be gay to linger in my mind. I had begun to give myself permission to listen to that internal dialogue.  It was this storyline, however, that encouraged me to dangle that metaphorical foot out the door.  The story was important to me.  I had watched Holby City on and off for a few years (medical drama fan) but hadn’t seen it in some time when I came across this storyline in its early stages.  I didn’t know it would end in a relationship but something hooked me. Others have already described why it’s such a lovely story in much more beautifully constructed prose than I can manage so I won’t linger too long on this.  Essentially for me it was two things – firstly, it was the fact that it was two older, professionally successful women and secondly it was the slow, subtle way in which the relationship developed, well written and brilliantly acted in such a way that it faithfully reflected the realities of an actual blossoming relationship, something all too often absent in time constrained, on-going dramas.

It took me several days to process the break up episode. I questioned my sanity several times… “It’s a TV show, they are fictional characters. What ARE you doing brooding over this?” It takes a lot to make me cry, but there were tears and I felt shame at that.  In all other things I am rational, logical.  I require those skills for my job. But, try though I did, I couldn’t call on them to help me moderate the visceral response I was experiencing. 

I would like to highlight here that I don’t interact a great deal on any form of social media (I didn’t have a twitter account until last week!) so I’m feeling fortunate, from what I’ve seen since, not to have been party to spoilers, trailers, fan predictions etc.  But the break up, nonetheless, absolutely floored me.  Why?  My ensuing internal battle between reason and emotion resulted in me concluding that it wasn’t that they had split but how they had split that had upset me most.  I was off kilter because two characters I had fallen for were off kilter. 

Something built up so slowly, intricately and lovingly was seemingly blown to smithereens in a two minute conversation in a bar and the reasons for it just grated because the dialogue seemed at odds with previous characterisation and a lovingly constructed backstory. And, eye roll, infidelity was shoehorned into the mix.

Bernie’s line that she would be back on the first plane if anyone hurt Serena is the only thing in this episode that I could grasp onto as a  tiny scrap of hope.  Me silently screaming “Serena is already hurting herself! Don’t get on the plane at all!”  Something doesn’t seem right with Serena’s character, she seems to be in self-destruct mode and, so as much as it would pain me to witness a character I admire further implode, a twisted sense of hope made me for a split second think it might be part of a long story arc that eventually brings Bernie back to support her. The catch of the bouquet, however, after the split and subsequent implied permission from Bernie (as I read it) kicked me in the guts, not because I wanted a wedding for them then, I didn’t, it wouldn’t have been the right time for them, but for me it symbolised what the split meant they would now never have. There are also many other aspects of that bar conversation that irk me because they don’t ‘fit’ but that could take me off on a whole other, rather long, tangent.

I know people will argue that it is drama, drama reflects real life and in real life not all relationships work out.  This is of course true, but when you have ‘slim pickings’ on seeing yourself represented it hurts when time and time again you don’t see a happy ending.  In my mind, although amicable, this was not a happy ending, again not because they split, but because their dialogue, aspects of the characters and their relationship became so abruptly unrecognisable. I lost my heroines.

With regard to the cheating aspect, I can’t go there in any great depth because I don’t fully understand the purpose of it as, confusingly, it ultimately was not the reason they split. To me it was bizarre, completely out of character (personally and professionally) and so disappointingly predictable for a lesbian story line. And, damn it, it broke my heart!  The latest episode stamped all over it.  I have no appetite to watch Serena with just anyone for the sake of w/w representation.  I found the story line with Leah incredibly uncomfortable and had to watch their ‘lingerie scene’ cringing through my fingers.  Holby are capable of brilliance, they proved it when they built something unique and quite special in Berena.  The current Sacha storyline, and particularly the scene with his daughter this week, is another example.  Knowing this seems only to heighten my disappointment.

I acknowledge the argument that stories need drama but honestly, I’m a content-starved lesbian, if they had words over Bernie not wearing slippers when she put the bins out my heart would probably skip a beat and that would be drama enough for me.  Because, actually, what I don’t want in my storylines is drama.  As someone who will never have to stop coming out, I have enough of that in my life, what I want is happy mundanity.  Leave the drama for the characters’ other storylines.  One day, hopefully, beautiful w/w storylines such as this will be ten a penny and drama won’t cost me a second thought. In the meantime, they are precious, please be gentle with them.

The break up episode triggered an internal conflict between my heart and my brain which ultimately resulted in me stepping into twitter. I was looking for some affirmation that my feelings were valid.  What I found was, well, I wish I could insert an appropriate meme or gif (not sure which one’s which) here to succinctly and humorously summarise.  It would probably involve cross fire with dead bodies strewn on the ground.  No, on second thoughts, that’s probably not appropriate imagery for someone sounding off about lesbian tropes.  Let me pick a word instead.  ‘Carnage’ keeps popping into my mind.  Yeah, let’s go with that.  No, that’s not quite right either.  A sentence maybe.  Carnage, interspersed with a decent amount of thoroughly insightful, beautifully intelligent and witty exchanges.  Yeah, that works.  It’s been somehow therapeutic and absolutely terrifying all at once.  I certainly found some validation and a certain amount of resolution to my 'Berena turmoil' and I am thankful to all for that but it seems I have temporarily jumped into a fandom that has mirrored their beloved characters and split.  And that is sad.  I hope it heals itself because it has clearly previously brought much joy to many. 

Reading what I have over the last week has opened my eyes to the impact that social media can have on invested viewers and I would agree that more care needs to be taken with the way such story lines are promoted on official TV social media accounts.  I will, however, leave that argument to those more experienced in the ‘Twittersphere’. That’s not part of my story here so I guess I’m coming at this from a slightly different angle.  Even without the social media experience, however, the script itself can and did raise false hopes and expectations.

It seems the fallout has been immense and if it was the original intention to reunite Berena at some point in the future I suspect this may cause a rethink.  I hope it doesn't, it shouldn't.  Because, whatever else, it has sparked some much needed, insightful, well-reasoned and carefully considered dialogue (@intweed I’m looking at you in particular here, amongst others). I hope TV makers are brave enough to listen to any resulting, respectful discourse and take it on board for future planning.  I know that’s a bit rich coming from me with my 'one dangling foot' but that is exactly why I need TV makers to be brave.